Llana the Llama: A Llegomance
by Leelee5
Summary: Parody: I have what no other story has. My Sue is a llama.


A/N: This seems odd, I'm sure, even for a parody, but let me explain. I was looking at the dearth of Sues on and started thinking…they're all basically interchangeable anyway, so why not replace a Sue with…a llama! (My first thought was a sumo wrestler, but llama is funnier to me).

Title: Llana the Llama: A Llegomance

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing, not even a llama.

Genre: PARODY. Please don't tell me this is an impossible pairing and un-canon. (Although, we don't REALLY know what Legolas's preferences were…)

Rated: PG- There's no hot llama sex in this one, sorry gentle reader.

Once upon a time, not too very long ago, there lived a little llama who lived on a farm. She was the most popular of her herd, and was regarded by all who knew her as the most beautiful llama in the world (or at least in their slightly narrow worldview, since the llama herd never left the pasture. There was in fact a more beautiful llama, but this story is not about her.)

Llana, however, in her small llama brain knew that there was a bigger world out there waiting for her than in just her small pasture. She dreamed of greener greens to eat and softer bales of hay to lie in at night. One day, quite unexpectedly, she spied a green swirling portal, but being a llama misinterpreted this swirly mist as::MMMmmm, new green grass! Must eat!:: And this is how Llana the llama ended up in Middle-earth.

Most people would be very confused by such a drastic change in location and reality, but not Llana. She was mildly confused at first, but she was often confused anyway. A small kernel of fear crept in slowly when she noticed there was NO GRASS around. Her pasture was always green and cheerful and now she was in a strange wood where the tall trees prevented the grass from growing. (Since Llana had never seen a forest her only thoughts were: "Large sticks in ground surround me! NO FOOD!").

Luckily, a small cadre of Elves was crossing this forest on their way to a very important meeting in Rivendell. It was the year 445, during the first age and Elrond was holding a homely house warming party…no, no, just kidding! Of course it was Legolas and company going to see Elrond about a ring thing.

It was love at first sight. Legolas had never seen so wonderful a creature as Llana. Her long, lithe llama legs, her big eyes that seemed to change color depending on what light she was in, her silken, yet warm llama fur; it all called to him in a way that no Elven maid ever had.

He approached the shy maiden cautiously and held out his hand to her.

"Lady…are you lost? How may I assist you?"

Llana took a few steps back from the stranger. She was used to the humans at home, but she had never seen this particular human. His hair looked like wheat to her and wheat was good to eat. She was also soothed by his soft, imploring voice and being a dumb beast sniffed his hand for food.

Legolas was overjoyed by Llana's response to him. The fair maiden seemed to at least accept him for now. He led her gently towards Rivendell, murmuring sweet nothings in her ear all the way. Llana stared blankly ahead, scanning the road for sweet, sweet grass.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: Where's the llama drama? Where's the witty dialogue between Legolas and Llana? You're saying: "Hey, MY llama would be sassing Legolas left and right, she'd be showing him up in the fighting department, she'd be flirting up a storm!" To that I say: "Hey, I'm trying to inject a little realism into this story. Besides, llamas don't speak Elvish."

I'd like to say that there was no marriage proposal by the time the small party reached Rivendell. I'd like to say Legolas didn't fall completely in love with a llama. If you want me to type that, stop reading now.

By the time the small company reached Rivendell, Legolas had fallen completely in love with Llana and had proposed marriage. She had nodded "Yes" in response to his romantic query. Legolas was overjoyed, but failed to notice that a small gnat was actually pestering Llana, which caused her head to move in an up and down nodding motion. But, whatever, right?

Now, some very uninteresting things happen in Rivendell next. You don't want to know about it, trust me. Hey, if you think shiny rings are exciting, then so be it, read another story. On the other hand, if you think elf/llama romances are where it's at, then read on, by all means.

After all the other stuff with the ring (oh, sorry _Ring_), Elrond decided to throw a major party celebrating the Fellowship leaving for some place south (oh, sorry _South_). It was to be a wonderful ball, with lots of dancing, eating, flirting, and romance. Everyone was to dress to impress, and….

You know that is VERY RUDE. You know what I'm talking about. "But Elrond wouldn't have thrown a ball for the Fellowship, that's just silly! Besides, they were in Rivendell for months, why would he wait the night before to throw a party? He would end up with a hung over Fellowship!

Well, to you I say: Your logic does not impress me.

Back to the story, and the character we all care about: Llana. Arwen, since she had nothing better to do, dressed Llana in the most beautiful cape imaginable and combed her fur into a pleasing fashion.

"You are quite lucky to have won Prince Legolas's favor, Lady. Many maidens hearts will break when they hear that the Prince is engaged, and to so fair a creature."

Llana stood mutely respectful in response.

After more primping, Arwen led Llana to the main ballroom where her Prince waited. Legolas gasped at how beautiful Llana looked: how regal, how beautiful. She must be a Princess from some faraway land he decided. No common maiden would carry herself with such grace.

Much dancing and rejoicing occurred throughout the night, but a sad scene occurred later that night. Legolas had to say goodbye to his love and journey on his quest (oh, sorry, _Quest_). He would miss his love terribly while he was away. However, Arwen had sewed a pair of nice warm llama-fur mittens for Legolas to wear on wherever he was going.

Profound ending: Legolas would be able to keep a part of Llana with him while he traveled the land of Middle-earth far and wide with his practical (and fashionable) mittens. Mittens from the heart.

The End

And you thought it would be a 10th Fellowship story. Silly.


End file.
